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Get Inside My Head

have a look at my thought stained paper

5/4/11 03:29 pm

I despise Liberty University more than I despise the New York Yankees.

I actually don't even have words to describe how utterly furious I am right now, but ranting on here is keeping me from posting an angry facebook status.

They have screwed me over SOOOO many times. I am officially DONE with that place. I can't wait to get the heck out. And who knows when that will be at this point.

My advisor, upon informing me that they wouldn't let me take the classes I needed this semester, told me that I could register for two intensives beginning immediately following graduation. I would still be eligible to walk, and I'd have my degree by mid June.

I was informed today, a week and a half before graduation and less than two weeks before the class was scheduled to start, that they've decided to cancel it.

Excuse me????????

It's not offered again over the summer. In fact, it's offered in the fall but is already full anyway, though I WILL have my friggen degree before that point. They will excuse me from this course. I will throw a fit until they do. I am lkjesfsjklfsjlkksdfs

5/3/11 10:54 am

Liberty is,naturally, trying its best to ensure my last week here is as stressful as possible. I am so fed up with this place.

I'm trying to trust God with all of these assignments, which (for my Dostoevsky class anyway) are absolutely essential. It's hard.

My professor is being insane. His tests are near impossible, which means that I needed to do well on my papers and quizzes to do well enough in the class to graduate. He didn't post my last paper grade until this morning, with less than a week left to go, and I didn't get an A. I worked my butt off on that paper. It was two pages longer than the required length, used sources when it didn't have to, there were no grammatical errors (I checked four times), and it was concise and focused. He has no grading rubric posted on his syllabus, has given us no indication as to why he docks points, how many points he takes away for what, and so on. To me, the whole process seems entirely whimsical. I am so pissed off. I have one final paper worth 25 percent of my grade, and I'm freaking out because I have no idea what this man wants from me. Not to mention the fact that he has not posted a single quiz average so far, so I have no idea what my grade for that is.

I enjoy the class discussions. He's great in class and has a lot of insight to share. His grading process seems entirely unfair, though.

3/24/11 07:25 pm

Did you know that having type O blood puts you at greater risk for stomach ulcers? I did not know that, but now I do!

I've been wicked stressed all week. It really started last week, when instead of relaxing I was worrying, which made me feel more exhausted than ever when I returned to school and work this week. I have more to think about in these next few months than I have at one time in my entire life. I have school, I just added a new course this week, I've been working 20 hours a week at the rot, I've been writing for Smart College Visit, I'm thinking about wedding details, and trying to put my resume into as many baskets as possible. It's not just the fact that this leaves me with a lot to do, but it also has my mind going in too many different directions at one time.

Which brings us back to the stomach ulcers. I woke up at 6:30 feeling really panicked because I had a nightmare, and a sharp pain in my stomach kept me from ever getting back to sleep. I figured it was just because of the sleep induced panic, but when it didn't go away and blood made its way into places blood should not be, I figured it was time for a trip to the doctor.

Lots of tests and a shot to the behind later, I have the beginning of stomach ulcers. Thankfully these were just warning signs today, and if I slow down a bit and monitor myself I should be fine. If I keep going at the rate I was, however, I could end up feeling a lot worse than I did today.

Why do I share this? Well, for one I'm feeling pretty out of it and I tend to ramble when that happens. Secondly, God taught me a lot. Sometimes I try to do way too much by myself. I've let fear of inadequacy and a a tendency to want to have things under control take over and I've made stupid decisions. I haven't been taking care of myself like I really should, and that's wrong. And today, I scared myself pretty bad. It was the slap in the face I needed. I am not super woman, and I am so relieved.

3/22/11 11:44 am

The end of the semester is nearly here. Kind of. Six weeks left, I believe. I'm really not wishing away the end of my college career, because it's been awesome, but I can't wait until I take that last final. I'm so stressed. I also can't wait until I don't have to work at the rot anymore.

Almost there!!!!

3/18/11 11:15 am

Today my mom is taking me to breakfast and to look at invitations. Today will be a good day :)

3/2/11 01:28 am

As my senior year is drawing to a close-- as I'm pulling probably one of my last late night paper writing sessions-- I can't help but feel a little sad.

I'm not so much sad that I'm closing this chapter of my life, but sad that I feel like I missed out tonight.

Sports have always been so important to me. Not even so much sports, but the community that is created by sports. I've wanted that for so long. I missed out on a lot of things coming to Liberty, but none have really bothered me besides not getting a big college sporting experience. Every time I go to VT, I'm so jealous of those students.

I'd give anything just to have the opportunity at the heartbreak they have, because you know what? Liberty threw their shot at the Big South Championship tonight, and literally walking out of the arena nobody cared. Half the campus didn't know we were in the tournament.

I'm not complaining about Liberty athletics because we lost tonight. Don't get me wrong-- I'm disappointed that we did, but I'm more heart broken that I'll never have the experience most college kids get. I'll never know what it's like to belong to a community of people who are elated together and who are let down together based on a single event. Whatever happens, they do it together. They are a part of something. I'll never get that.

I thought if we got the chance to play Coastal in the championship that, A, we would finally have a reason to wear those freaking "Beat Coastal" shirts, and B, that even if it was just for a few weeks, Liberty would rally behind a team. Nope. We lost to High Point. That was my last opportunity to root for a college team-- my college team. Well, it's been a good four years anyway, Flames.

2/28/11 05:05 pm

What a weekend!! I got to see the love of my life, attend College Game Day, and watch a cinderella story as the Hokies took down number 1 (or formerly number one!) Duke! I can't explain the rush I felt. It was awesome to be a part of that community, and not to feel like I was on the outside looking in. It was awesome. I miss Matt already. Crazy how that works.

In other news, here's something that's been weighing heavy on my heart: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/maciwinebarger/journal/1

I mentioned that my friend's little sister was recently diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I really don't even know this little girl, but it's been a huge burden since I've heard. She is so darn spunky and joyful all the time. It seems impossible that this could be happening. But it is, and I need you guys to pray for her and for her family. The above link is to her webpage, which her mom updates frequently and where you can see a little bit more about Maci.

Apparently today, while at Duke Medical, she finally started to freak out. The doctor mentioned St Jude's (where she'll be going) and she started screaming. She's seen the commercials on TV and is now terrified. She said that she doesn't want to be bald. She said that she just wants to go be with her Papa, who is in heaven. Six years old. Ugh.

Pray, friends. I hear God is in the business of miracles.

2/23/11 09:13 am

I've started having my quiet times in the morning in an attempt to really start my days off right. It's been awhile since I've been as crazy busy as I am these days, and it's taken some getting used to. I think the last time I was really this busy was the summer I worked at Dunkin Donuts/Rotary. I pretty much didn't see the light of day that summer, so I'm thankful that this isn't as crazy as that!

The Lord has been teaching me a lot lately, but this morning He's just allowing me to rest in his presence. This morning is a morning to take heart in His promises, to feel peace in His sovereignty and to rejoice in His plans. I've been easily annoyed, frustrated, and generally stressed for the past week, and it feels so good to let that all go. I am so blessed.

God uses different things to grow faith in different people's lives. He provides different ways to build fruit for each of His children. For example, with Matt I've noticed that He gives him a lot of opportunities to share Christ with people for the first time. God has blessed him with a gift to communicate Christ's love to people who need to hear it and to people who are eventually ready to hear it. He provides him with many opportunities in ways I couldn't even dream up. Something as big as making the active effort to reach out to his students and something as small as wearing a Christian t-shirt are both used in mighty ways. I can't imagine how taxing and draining it must be to pour into so many people, and I have so much respect for the ministry God is building through that man. I haven't had that as much, but God has provided me with different opportunities. God brings me through many trials and persecutions for my faith, and I couldn't be more thankful. I've been kicked out of my house. I've been called names by my own mother, cast as the oddball by my siblings. My friends often think I'm ridiculous and can't resist raising their eyebrows at me because I'm different. The leadership team I was on threw me under the bus. A woman I work with seems to have it in for me.

I wouldn't have half of the faith that I do without these things. I wouldn't have half of the opportunities I've had to share Christ's love without this. I couldn't reach out to the people that God has had me reach out to without some of the things I've gone through. We are all unique. God is alive. He is moving and breathing, so why should it shock me that He tailors the growing of our faith so specifically? I don't know, but it takes me breath away :)

2/22/11 10:28 pm

Lord, I think I have too much on my plate. I also have a huge knot in my right shoulder blade. I lift these things up to you :)

My heart is breaking for my friend's little sister. Her name is Maci. She is six years old and she has a brain tumor on her brain stem. It's inoperable.

I just keep thinking of the day I met her. She was four at that point and was practically attached to her bike. She didn't know how to brake, however, and started rolling down a huge hill into oncoming traffic. Without thinking I dove in front of her, stopping the bike, catching her when she fell, and scraping all the skin off of my forearm. Her family kept joking that I saved her life. I wish I could dive out in front of her now. I don't even really know her, but I just can't imagine. When I think about things like this, it puts a sucky job and a knot in my right shoulder blade in perspective.

2/21/11 12:03 am

My head was about to hit the pillow. I was braced for the sweet relief of muscle tension, the slowing of breath, the fogging of my mind and the release of all things tangible, save my bed, when I realized...

Dang it. I still work as a freelance writer, and I have a deadline tomorrow. My life is so jam packed lately. Most days it doesn't faze me, but there are moments when I can't find the next break in sight. I just want one Saturday. One. I want one Saturday when I wake up whenever the heck I want to, roll over, brush my teeth and possibly shower, find the book I'm craving and do nothing but turn pages and imagine for the next hour or so. I want one Saturday where I can spend the better part of the afternoon in sweatpants and watch Matt play Golden Eye. That's all I want. I am determined to have that day. I neeeed that day some point soon. Lord, please give me a Saturday off this weekend.

I'm taking six classes this semester, one of which requires massive amounts of dense reading a night. I'm working about 20 hours a week at the rot. I'm writing at least one article per week for SCV. I'm trying to keep up with wedding plans, praying that I'm doing things correctly, and trying to figure out how the heck I'm paying rent by the first, as I haven't been paid yet. And I'm trying to nail down an actual, full time, I won't have to wear a name tag and visor to work, comes with benefits and a salary, job.

And yet... I'm not really stressed. I'm not worried. I'm not even anxious about all of this. I'm at peace. I like the feeling of being productive. I'm head over heels in love and loved just as much back. I'm finding I'm actually qualified for a lot of jobs. I'm just tired. I just want my pillow and a day to catch my breath.

I love the Lord.
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